Saturday, April 11, 2020

Quarantine Life: Anxiety Reducing Meditation

I know we've all been going through so much as we continue to be isolated in our homes, forbidden to go out and socialize. While it may be in the best interest for all, and I believe it is, as do many others, it doesn't negate the fact that this isn't our normal. We're used to going about our lives as we please, constantly moving, with external stimulation and distraction being a normal part of how we experience daily life. Without so many distractions, we are forced to look within.

While we are forced to be still, we are unable to ignore the nagging thoughts, the resentments, the self doubt, the regrets of the past that we always push aside or ignore. This is our subconscious trying to get us to deal with past trauma and other things we have not spent the time working through. So now instead of going to a movie or going out to eat, we are drinking or medicating or working out too much or online shopping to excess.. whatever we can do to continually avoid those thoughts, we will... Until we decide to face them, heal them and make peace with them.

Meditation is one way to learn to face and heal some of these thoughts and to accept that every thought doesn't need to be given attention. It also teaches us we do not need to cling to thoughts and feelings, we can simply notice them and honor the information they give us and use that to heal and make peace with our choices and actions, and ultimately become more conscious in our decision making so that we do not cultivate any more regret or resentment. Meditation teaches us to cultivate compassion for ourselves and for others, as it is up to us what we cultivate in our minds.

I hope this helps to alleviate any suffering you may be experiencing and if it does and you feel called to share it, please do.

Anxiety Reducing meditation

Thursday, January 2, 2020

Thoughts on Non-Monogamy

I have very comfortably navigated non monogamous relationships since I was in my late-teens/early-twenties. I've found that each relationship is different in its intensity and experience and every partner is different in many ways, all of which I enjoy. We all bring different things to our relationships and the idea or practice of non monogamy, polyamory for some, is that with each partner we share space and time with, we increase our capacity for love, self love and love for others. The reality that we do not need to limit our capacity for love and various other experiences of intimacy encourages us to go deeper into ourselves and let go of any resistance to vulnerability and perceived relationship limitations put on us by societal ideals of monogamous love. Ideally, It allows those feelings of love and gratitude to make us more emotionally present, for ourselves and our partners.
Non-monogamy was freeing for me, and I admit, I choose to say non monogamy because I don't desire to always have multiple intimate/romantic relationships as required to claim polyamory. Often I prefer the freedom that comes from knowing I don't have to feel bad for flirting or playing with different people, or that I can have a boy friend and a girlfriend and hopefully we can all have fun together. I always believe sharing is caring and I find I am honest to a fault which is why I don't understand some peoples need to be seemingly dishonest about everything. I cheated on one boyfriend one time and told him because I couldn't handle not speaking the truth. I know thats not the case for everyone, as manipulating the truth is where they find themselves to be most comfortable. But thats not me...
When it comes down to it, relationships only have the ability to grow as much as we allow them to, and as much as we open ourselves to grow with them. If we have not done the emotional work required to house such a grand amount of emotion, it will be blatantly clear to our partners, whether we think they see it or not. Because most often they will feel it.
It is always expressly obvious to me when a partner says they have done the work and they have not because every time they reach their limited capacity, based on their inability to accept emotional vulnerability, they start to shut down or push away the relationship which is energetically asking them to grow and open up. Instead of moving into it and bringing additional partners into their life without purposefully damaging the current partnership, they may act wounded, resentful, distant and cold. They may start being dishonest and hiding their intention, which actually doesn't work at all, because in non-monogamy there can be many interconnections between each others partners that they may not know exist.
The thing that I find to be most intriguing is a partner who claims non-monogamy to be their practice but then when it comes down to it, they aren't able to actually navigate multiple relationships. Perhaps they aren't really sure of how to do so, which means they haven't done the work to understand the myriad of feelings that comes with having more than one intimate relationship... meaning they haven't done the work, or read any books on the subject, talked to those more knowledgable, etc. Perhaps they really aren't non-monogamous but are dealing with unhealed trauma from past relationships where they put every bit of them self into it, but wound up with a hand full of shit, therefore preventing them from wanting to truly be vulnerable to avoid such a feeling and experience from ever happening again. I hate to say it, but thats life. Theres good, theres bad, theres everything in between, and we all have to deal with some of it. Becoming an ostrich will not save you.
Non-monogamy requires a good deal of talking openly and honestly about your feelings and experiences, hopefully from a grounded place, in order to grow and grok the changes we need to make within ourselves, within our relationships, or how we respond to certain unavoidable experiences. There is no way you cannot do the work required for emotional maturity and think you will be able to have healthy relationships of any kind. You will not be able to respect others boundaries if you do not know what and where yours are.
And what is the point of saying you're non-monogamous and then lying to your partners all while acting that they would be so offended if you were spending time with other partners? I have seen this happen in many, many, relationships and I do not quite grok the point of it. If we are being mature, open, and honest in our relationships, it allows for the kind of growth required of, well, really everyone. I practice non-monogamy because it feels great to be honest about the fact that I sometimes desire more than one partner/lover/intimate friend/play partner or whatever other kind of relationship that may be seen as problematic in a monogamous relationship structure. Does it serve non-monogamy to be so scared to say out loud what you really want? Will the trees fall in the forest if you utter your truth? Will everything bust at the seams if you're finally honest with yourself?
Turns out, everything will be even richer and juicier if you can be what you desire without judging it, or making excuses for it, or pretending to be what you aren't.
There's a lot of love out there... How will you choose to interact with it? Or will you choose to continually sabotage it for the illusion of control?

Wednesday, December 18, 2019

A Spanking a Day?

   As far back as I can remember, I was aware of power dynamics in relationships of all varieties, from social to personal to familial, etc. I always wondered if anyone else noticed these dynamics? I felt some people did, and the people who did would work to gain power over others, while others unconsciously fell into a role or power dynamic and whether they were conscious of it or not, loved the role they chose, regardless of its probability to be psychologically injurous. I would watch how my mother manipulated my father and how she manipulated her children, enthralled by her ability to act as if the story she told herself to justify her manipulations was goddess's honest truth.

   I was playing with my brother when I was 3 and we were playing with his matchbox cars. He had a new one that was super cool for whatever reason and I wanted to play with it. It didn't matter that there were 30 or so other cars, I wanted to play with the one he was playing with. A pretty normal scenario for kids, right?

   I don't remember doing this to him, so I cannot recall the thought that crossed my brain in this moment, but it seems it was a very early awareness of how I could manipulate the situation to my benefit. According to my brother, I looked at him and smiled a reallly big smile and then in one swift motion, drew my hand up and clawed his arms with my nails. Before he could protest or call out, I screamed bloody murder and then called for our mom. When she got there and saw my brother scratched and me crying, she figured older brother did something to younger sister, and not only did he get in trouble, I got to play with the car. Problem solved.... (I feel utterly horrible when I think of doing that to my brother, as an adult. Kids can be cruel but him and I are best of friends and have been ever since our teens. Needless to say, he forgave me for that, and many other shitty things I did to him)

   The first time I realized I was a little different in terms of how I related to my peers outside of my family, or at least the first memory of being quite different was during preschool. We were all at recess and I was playing house with the other kids, except I wasn't acting as a parent. There were two kids playing mom and dad and I was sitting on a chair in the play kitchen and several children were lined up to receive a spanking from me. Each kid would lay over my lap and I would pull their pants down just enough to expose top cheek, and I would spank them a couple times for being bad then send them on their way to help mom or dad with tasks. The most amazing part about this scenario when I look back as an adult was how many children just lined up for spankings without question. I know I was bossy but I also wasn't into pressuring others into doing things they didn't want to, so it wasn't a forced thing.

I wish I could rememeber the countless experiences I had where it was blindingly obvious that I loved the feeling of being in control and dominating those who seeked that dynamic, whether they were cognizant of it or not. I can't even count the amount of times I was called 'bossy' because I knew how to get shit done and how to do it quick.

My dominance is a gift and I am grateful for it. Are you?


Wednesday, November 13, 2019

The Thrill of Letting Go

   I did not realize how stressed out I had become over the last two decades. Relationships started and ended, a couple sexual traumas, a few traumatic car accidents, emotions that weren't processed appropriately... all of it had added up to a place where I felt unable to cope with even the smallest of stressors, and had started existing in a place where I was taking everything personal. It was also weird because I have done the work on myself, for two decades I did all the modalities of self healing and physical/emotional release I could and worked with therapists, studied under a guru, and while all that helps, I think it is clear that some things take time to undo.

  I finally was able to let go of two decades of stress and trauma this last full moon with the help of an old friend of mine, LSD. I haven't partaken in any a trip in over two decades and wasn't really interested in doing so, until recently, a friend of mine wanted to trip and she asked Me to join her. I said yes, because I remembered how healing LSD can be, but I had no idea how healing it would be for Me. I am not going to go into the whole story of the experience, but rather talk a bit about what I took away from it.

   During the entire trip, I was consistently reminded to 'let go', and this happened in a variety of ways, most noticeably, physical. There was a good hour or so where I experienced slight involuntary muscle spasms from the top of My head to the bottoms of My feet, and when the spasms were done, I felt like I had just had a massage. My face was more relaxed than it has been in decades and it has stayed that way since. I knew I was releasing decades of trauma, all that had been building up for so long, there was literally no question about it. I felt as if I was being reconfigured, which was My understanding of how the experience would unfold even before the trip started. Of course by this point my synapses were all misfiring, so it is hard to say how the strong feelings and thoughts that come through, do.

  I was overwhelmed by image of kundalini rising and Divine Feminine energy returning to the earth to  restore balance to our torn planet and broken humanity. There was no doubt that the 'matrix' that people talk about is real. Everytime I experience this, everything is very clearly a hologram and I know that my physical body is not me, but rather I am much more expansive and light-filled than what is seen on earth. Nothing felt bad, I couldn't stop smiling and I felt so god damn confident, like I was a teenager again. I know, not a lot of people were confident as a teenager but I was, and I got what I wanted because I asked for it and focused on it like a laser. I didn't get distracted by this or that, other peoples drama, I just did me. Occasionally I would allow a partner to share space with me, but it never lasted long. I need to be free, and I realize that was what I was missing. I was trapped holding on to stress, pain, and trauma

  What is it about life that causes us to hold on to trauma and stressor? What makes our body grip onto the energies that drain us the most?  Is there something to learn from stress? Is it a dynamic that we are unwilling to accept?

  We have the ability to learn from everything we experience in life, it may take us more time to process some things than others, or we might find comfort in our pain and stay with it until the lessons have been learned. If everything we experience on this planet is a hologram, an agreed upon reality, then perhaps the purpose of coming to this planet, in this dimension is to learn from pain and stress. While the experience of pain is a valuable one, it is also severly avoided in western culture. Pain is 'managed' in western culture, even though it is a source of stress and often the result of trauma. It is not often explored, it is not normally seen as a lesson to teach us how to move through our discomfort and come out stronger. Instead, we cover it up, sweep it up, pull it together, and push it down...

  I realized that this understanding of pain and the lessons it teaches us is why BDSM is so important to me. It is a guide through which you can help someone confront their pain. Its a way to confront your pain, and release it through dynamic actions that get deep into your subconscious. Sure that may seem obvious, as it does to me now, but it was a really profound experience coming to a full realization of this concept. I realized that I am able to let go of, and heal my trauma by helping others do the same.

**Sidenote: I wrote this back in December of 2018 and never published it. I am not sure why I didn't at the time, but I feel called to do so now.

Wednesday, December 5, 2018

Sad About Tumblr? Well Just Hold On Because That's the Least of Your Worries

   As much as adult workers and sex workers tried to warn everyone that the potential over reach of the FOSTA/SESTA bill, that was passed as a package deal, would have devastating consequences to our right to free speech online, no one really listened. While I am not surprised by that because let’s face it, people love to watch porn, employ sex workers, go to strip clubs, read erotica, etc. while often simultaneously or subsequently denying the value of the sex worker providing the service. Sex workers are rarely listened to or valued on an equal playing field. And while that is somewhat slowly changing it is being met with heavy and aggressive opposition.

Victorian ideals about shameful sexuality are so deeply ingrained in this society we cannot even be honest with ourselves when it comes to what gets us off.
*Think “respectability politics”*

2019 ushers in the FOSTA/SESTA bill into full effect. As of now, all measures taken by websites are premptive in effort to protect themselves from the broad and non specific verbiage of the bill. I urge you to take a look at this bill and see if you can grasp some of the problems. An important note is that the bill conflates consensual sex work and sex trafficking which is highly problematic because it implies sex workers have no agency and therefore are victims that need to be saved. If you have not heard the term sex worker prior to this, sex work encompasses all adult work, e.g. strippers, burlesque, porn performers, escorts, peep show, pro dominatrix/pro submissives, web cam performers, phone sex operators, etc. if your work is for an audience of 18+ years old, you fit in here.

Here is the bill:

IN THEORY, it sounds great, because who wouldn’t want to stop sex trafficking?! No one should EVER be forced to do something they don’t want to, or kidnapped and tortured to be sold into sexual slavery. (There has been a lot of research done that shows only about 3% of humans trafficked are for sex slavery, while the largest percentage at over 50% are trafficked for migrant slave labor. I am looking for a scholarly article to link to.)

The problematic part comes in section 4 which amends section 230 of The Communications Act of 1934 (see article 1 for in-depth explanation, not scholarly, but cited and referenced) which is where it effects EVERYONE posting sharing creating sexual content of any kind, even if it’s just stock BDSM photos on your private tumblr account.

Please read the articles (most were written at the beginning of the year when the bill passed) and make up your own mind about what this means for sexually expressive consenting adults, and if you think it is constitutional, or do you see how respectability politics and morality laws are becoming a very real thing of the present, again? Sex trafficking is the blanket they use to justify their legislative actions because again who would ever support sex trafficking?

Regardless of what you think or come to know from doing your own research, I guarantee this will come to a head in the new year and we'll either see it amended to provide more specific definitions or it will continue to erode away our internet freedom, freedom of speech and freedom of artistic expression.

Be kind to one another. Don’t assume sex workers are victims that need to be saved. Know the difference between sex trafficking and sex work and do not conflate the two.
Practice your right to free speech and speak out.

Also maybe it’s time to question or rather investigate our beliefs on sex work(ers). From where did our beliefs on the subject develop? Have our other views about sexuality and intimacy evolved since we first understood what they were? How much shame do we carry around our sexual expression and to what end? How do repressed beliefs about sexuality and sexual freedom for consenting adults effect our society as a whole?


* “Trafficking and Prostitution Reconsidered: New Persepectives on Migration, Sex Work and Human Rights” By: Kamala Kempadoo, Jyoti Sanghera, Bandana Pattanaik*

* “Sex Work Matters: Exploring Money, Power, and Intimacy in The Sex Industry” by Melissa Hope Ditmore, Antonia Levy, Alys Willman* note; a collection of essays by sex worker scholars and activists on the economics and sociology of sex work

1. [] note; this was written 8 months ago.... this has been ongoing for 8months sex workers have watched their platforms be destroyed and now it’s spreading to every website and online forum.

note; a little lengthy and heavy on the scholarly side if that is not your thing, but it is truly a brilliant research article with an extensive list of works cited

3. []