As far back as I can remember, I was aware of power dynamics in relationships of all varieties, from social to personal to familial, etc. I always wondered if anyone else noticed these dynamics? I felt some people did, and the people who did would work to gain power over others, while others unconsciously fell into a role or power dynamic and whether they were conscious of it or not, loved the role they chose, regardless of its probability to be psychologically injurous. I would watch how my mother manipulated my father and how she manipulated her children, enthralled by her ability to act as if the story she told herself to justify her manipulations was goddess's honest truth.
I was playing with my brother when I was 3 and we were playing with his matchbox cars. He had a new one that was super cool for whatever reason and I wanted to play with it. It didn't matter that there were 30 or so other cars, I wanted to play with the one he was playing with. A pretty normal scenario for kids, right?
I don't remember doing this to him, so I cannot recall the thought that crossed my brain in this moment, but it seems it was a very early awareness of how I could manipulate the situation to my benefit. According to my brother, I looked at him and smiled a reallly big smile and then in one swift motion, drew my hand up and clawed his arms with my nails. Before he could protest or call out, I screamed bloody murder and then called for our mom. When she got there and saw my brother scratched and me crying, she figured older brother did something to younger sister, and not only did he get in trouble, I got to play with the car. Problem solved.... (I feel utterly horrible when I think of doing that to my brother, as an adult. Kids can be cruel but him and I are best of friends and have been ever since our teens. Needless to say, he forgave me for that, and many other shitty things I did to him)
The first time I realized I was a little different in terms of how I related to my peers outside of my family, or at least the first memory of being quite different was during preschool. We were all at recess and I was playing house with the other kids, except I wasn't acting as a parent. There were two kids playing mom and dad and I was sitting on a chair in the play kitchen and several children were lined up to receive a spanking from me. Each kid would lay over my lap and I would pull their pants down just enough to expose top cheek, and I would spank them a couple times for being bad then send them on their way to help mom or dad with tasks. The most amazing part about this scenario when I look back as an adult was how many children just lined up for spankings without question. I know I was bossy but I also wasn't into pressuring others into doing things they didn't want to, so it wasn't a forced thing.
I wish I could rememeber the countless experiences I had where it was blindingly obvious that I loved the feeling of being in control and dominating those who seeked that dynamic, whether they were cognizant of it or not. I can't even count the amount of times I was called 'bossy' because I knew how to get shit done and how to do it quick.
My dominance is a gift and I am grateful for it. Are you?
Wednesday, November 13, 2019
I did not realize how stressed out I had become over the last two decades. Relationships started and ended, a couple sexual traumas, a few traumatic car accidents, emotions that weren't processed appropriately... all of it had added up to a place where I felt unable to cope with even the smallest of stressors, and had started existing in a place where I was taking everything personal. It was also weird because I have done the work on myself, for two decades I did all the modalities of self healing and physical/emotional release I could and worked with therapists, studied under a guru, and while all that helps, I think it is clear that some things take time to undo.
I finally was able to let go of two decades of stress and trauma this last full moon with the help of an old friend of mine, LSD. I haven't partaken in any a trip in over two decades and wasn't really interested in doing so, until recently, a friend of mine wanted to trip and she asked Me to join her. I said yes, because I remembered how healing LSD can be, but I had no idea how healing it would be for Me. I am not going to go into the whole story of the experience, but rather talk a bit about what I took away from it.
During the entire trip, I was consistently reminded to 'let go', and this happened in a variety of ways, most noticeably, physical. There was a good hour or so where I experienced slight involuntary muscle spasms from the top of My head to the bottoms of My feet, and when the spasms were done, I felt like I had just had a massage. My face was more relaxed than it has been in decades and it has stayed that way since. I knew I was releasing decades of trauma, all that had been building up for so long, there was literally no question about it. I felt as if I was being reconfigured, which was My understanding of how the experience would unfold even before the trip started. Of course by this point my synapses were all misfiring, so it is hard to say how the strong feelings and thoughts that come through, do.
I was overwhelmed by image of kundalini rising and Divine Feminine energy returning to the earth to restore balance to our torn planet and broken humanity. There was no doubt that the 'matrix' that people talk about is real. Everytime I experience this, everything is very clearly a hologram and I know that my physical body is not me, but rather I am much more expansive and light-filled than what is seen on earth. Nothing felt bad, I couldn't stop smiling and I felt so god damn confident, like I was a teenager again. I know, not a lot of people were confident as a teenager but I was, and I got what I wanted because I asked for it and focused on it like a laser. I didn't get distracted by this or that, other peoples drama, I just did me. Occasionally I would allow a partner to share space with me, but it never lasted long. I need to be free, and I realize that was what I was missing. I was trapped holding on to stress, pain, and trauma
What is it about life that causes us to hold on to trauma and stressor? What makes our body grip onto the energies that drain us the most? Is there something to learn from stress? Is it a dynamic that we are unwilling to accept?
We have the ability to learn from everything we experience in life, it may take us more time to process some things than others, or we might find comfort in our pain and stay with it until the lessons have been learned. If everything we experience on this planet is a hologram, an agreed upon reality, then perhaps the purpose of coming to this planet, in this dimension is to learn from pain and stress. While the experience of pain is a valuable one, it is also severly avoided in western culture. Pain is 'managed' in western culture, even though it is a source of stress and often the result of trauma. It is not often explored, it is not normally seen as a lesson to teach us how to move through our discomfort and come out stronger. Instead, we cover it up, sweep it up, pull it together, and push it down...
I realized that this understanding of pain and the lessons it teaches us is why BDSM is so important to me. It is a guide through which you can help someone confront their pain. Its a way to confront your pain, and release it through dynamic actions that get deep into your subconscious. Sure that may seem obvious, as it does to me now, but it was a really profound experience coming to a full realization of this concept. I realized that I am able to let go of, and heal my trauma by helping others do the same.
**Sidenote: I wrote this back in December of 2018 and never published it. I am not sure why I didn't at the time, but I feel called to do so now.