There something about BDSM and Fetishism that causes a lot of us to become instantaneously judgmental and resistant to the idea of exploraton, even though most of us who have had thoughts and desires in these areas have had them for quite some time. As I have mentioned before, I have had desires for power exchange before I even knew what that was. I just always knew men were meant to be beneath me, I knew I liked to do to them what they try to do to women, and I knew I liked to expose the feminine element in them. The longer I tried to deny these things, the more challenging my interactions with the opposite sex became, and the more I started to question what it was I really needed in my personal life to be happy. Of course society tries its damnedest to force rigid gender roles upon us all but there’s no doubting when you cannot handle fitting in them, lest you lose your mind or worse.
The reason I am bringing this up is, as I go into my eighth year of being a professional dominatrix, I am constantly meeting new subs and fetishists who are in the proverbial closet. I understand it isn't always safe to come out of said closet and even that some would rather keep it in the fantasy realm, but for some of the people I speak with, it is inevitable that they will eventualy want to explore and go as far as they can go. The problem is, they fight it for so long it becomes an obsession, and not necessarily a healthy obsession. The amount of males I speak to who are absolutely bi-sexual or gay is immense, but they do not plan to do anything about it. So in order to feed their need, they go behind their girlfriend or wife's back, and find men to hook up with. I wish they felt safe to express and live their truest desire, to feel comfortable as a gay male, but often times they do not. What does that say about our society, that people cannot freely be themselves for fear of rejection or worse?
For me, I have always felt it is better to be true to yourself and to your loved ones, rather than live a life filled with inescapable secrets that cause guilt and shame and if discovered will cause severe pain or perhaps, maybe more understanding will come from the discovery. Are you 100% sure you SO will not be able to accept you? I understand that some fantasies do not necessarily need to move outside of the play space/dungeon, I really do. I just want you to ask yourself, what would be so horrible about realziing you aren't straight? What would be so horrible about owning your desire? Of course I have a lot of privilege and I am aware of that. I can be out about being pansexual and I do not fear repercussions because I live in a progressive area of the country. Not everyone has the same privilege as I and while I work everyday to release my privilege I can really only directly effect my life.
When it comes down to it, I believe we are wired to like what we like and the majority of subs and fetishists I have played with do not have a singular experience that triggered their behavior, and they cannot actually pinpoint why they like what they like, but they certainly know what they like and how they like it. Thats not to say some have a key moment that triggered their fetish, because there are those who do. Regardless, the common factor I find with all the subs/fetishists I see, I know they have to have that in their life but they still feel very bad/wrong/judged/shamed/guilty for not wanting "normal" sex above all else. Many just go through the motions to keep up the appearance of being normal and or of average sexual preference. That doesn't stop them from exploring what they truly desire and it doesn't stop them from doing things they may or may not feel guilty about. They literally have to have it, and it definitely keeps my doors swinging open to all types of people just looking to be understood.
Dominatrices and most sex workers create a safe space for people to explore their kinks, fetishes, and desires, but of course society doesn't alway see us as such. I have had sessions that have turned into a sub wanting to talk about the troubles they’re having in their personal life or marriage, the frustrations they feel about not being able to openly explore their fetishes, and I do my best to help share openly and honestly. On the flip side, sex workers are often blamed for spouses "straying", we're blamed for being the temptation of said spouses as if they wouldn't have those urges if we weren’t there. I cannot say that I think people should get married if they cannot be upfront with their spouses abouttheir fantasies and fetishes and kinks... Why would you be marrying someone you don't want to see you for all that you are? And for those that aren't in a relationship, our time together allows them greater access to and freedom of thier deepest expression which I think is most excellent. We should be able to explore our fantasies as adults in a consensual experience, whether it is paid or not.... Nothing about that is bad, as far as I have seen.. Conscious exploration is applauded in most aspects, except sexuality.... like we could be humans without human sexuality? It is not something we can seperate from ourselves, but rather a part of the whole.
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